Things I have learned whilst in Britain...

1. People Smell. Badly.
This is a stinky city and I would like to blame it on the body oder of the Brits wafting through the air. Not only does the city smell (maybe because i'm used to fresh countryside) but the people have some serious BO issues, as in they could do with either a. being isolated (im thinking they should implement the bubble boy concept) or b. get some prescription deodorant. B doesn't work because as I discovered yesterday they have fairly odd deodorant over here. I was wandering my way through Boots (big pharmacy) and could NOT for the life of me find a stick of deodorant. I began to panic as I quickly began to envision my fear of being one of them, a smelly bastard, become my reality. Ok well thats a bit of an exaggeration because they have spray on deodorant, but that just weirds me out and I didn't recognize any brands. That aside, it really kills your mood when youre stuck on the tube for 4 more stops and the guy standing next to you with his hand gripping the bar overhead has an immense pit stain that slightly resembles Lake Tahoe with a corresponding stench that stings the nostrils of 3 world countries. Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I learned this fact way before I even got to England. It happened in my math class with that teacher from England. For the love of God I can't recall his name but he smelled SO bad, we would leave class every day with a headache. Not my idea of a good time.

2. There are no rubbish bins (trash cans) anywhere.
Simply put, you will be walking around with an empty cup which once held your non-fat caramel macchiato from starbucks for 45 minutes before you find the trash. They are not in public sites like the tube, train or museums and its really annoying. I swear they do not exist. Mainly I think this is due to the tube bombing from a year or so ago but still, it only compels me to litter. Litterbugs go to hell. In which case this is a call out to Boris Johnson, Gordon Brown or the freaking Queen of England...whoever can hear me...please put some rubbish bins somewhere, anywhere, I dont care. Hook a sista up...I just don't want to be condemned to hell. Thanks.


3. They don't think Americans are cool the way we think Brits with hot accents are cool...
I can't tell you why but i've gotten the strangest reactions from people the second I open my yapper. Maybe its because I open my yapper and not my mouth but honestly, i've made an effort to be extra polite and not offend anyone by my jokes. I've found that the chicks here aren't very warm and welcoming and I've gotten so many dirty looks from them when i'm in a store and have politely asked a simple question. Solution: I utilize my British accent whenever I shop. Simple enough. Seemingly...until I whip out my US Bank debit card to pay and they look at me like i'm nuts because clearly i'm not from these parts. 60% of the time it works every time.


4. Tube rules:

a. Stand sideways on the tube, not forward. If you stand sideways you can successfully lean when it stops and starts without flying forward or back. If you like being catapulted, don't listen to my advice.

b. Dont eat on the tube. One day I realized how dirty and disease prone/ swine flu prone the tube is and thought that hand to mouth would be a deadly movement.
Hence, antibacterial gel is great for on the go. Look at me i'm swine flu free! ps. swine flu is apparently in my building, awesome.

c. Read the daily paper to kill time on the tube, like the Metro. Today they had an article about a guy who had half of his butt cheek chopped off from a boat propeller. Solid reading, always a good time.

d. Avoid the smelly guy mentioned in point #1, there always is one on every tube.

e. Don't take your time when your either entering/exiting the tube doors or the tube gates because they WILL close on you and it hurts. Today I got caught in one of the doors and held up the line. Some bloke behind me kept telling me to move out of the doorway and I kept thinking to myself, well that would be convenient, wouldn't it now?...if only my left arm and handbag weren't deathly clamped in between the doors maybe I could just get out of the way for you, kind sir.


5. Don't succumb to the old men just because of the accent
Just because they say 'ello luv and 'ey there beautiful with smooth british laden lingo doesn't mean that they are nice people. They are the equivalent to the creepy mexicans in orange outside of taqueria de anda hollering at you in spanish. See, not alluring at all when you really think about it.

*sidenote: However, British accents ARE in fact, as cool/hot as we think they are.

6. They eat mayonnaise and potatoes with everything
Chips (fries), jacket potatoes (baked), mashed, broiled, boiled, hashbrowns. Every meal hands down. Potatoes. And they eat everything with mayo. Yummmm.


That is all I can muster up for the moment. More to come.

TTFN,
V